Hello, and welcome to ‘Love from Summer Xx’, an old-fashioned advice column where you can open up your heart, and I open up a lively can of solicited advice, sage wisdom, home truths and tough love.
I am single, recently turned 40 and have been doing some serious reflection about my love life. I have had two long term relationships and few flings in my time and I am tired of picking men who are no good for me.
Why do some of us always find ourselves with Mr Wrong and never with Mr Right?
Thank you for your frankness. 40 is a grand age for some good ol’ reflection. They do say an unexamined life is not worth living – or is it now an unInstagramed life? Anyhoo, I digress.
First things first. “Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.”- Wendell Johnson.
When it comes to love: attraction and suffering are often intertwined. The love we are looking for as adults stems from the love we experienced as children. So we try to recreate the feelings we associated with love in our childhood, in our adulthood. Lovely feelings associated with care and tenderness. But, also not so lovely feelings associated with not getting attention or warmth, or wanting to help a parent who is distressed or out of control, or being scared of angry outbursts, or not being able express ourselves freely. We believe we are looking for happiness when it comes to love but what we are actually looking for is familiarity. And what is familiar, Mr Wrong, is not necessarily what is going to make us happy. Which means we will often reject potential partners, Mr Right, because being with them does not recreate those negative feelings we associate with love, that make us suffer in a familiar way.
I invite you to send your dating dilemmas and curly questions to firstname.lastname@example.org
Please keep correspondence free from filth and vulgarity. But if at all possible full of flamboyance and above all else truth.
Love from Summer Xx
Boss Lady Matchmaker @ Mate4Life.